So… Dozer and Miss Shannon bought a house. No more nine exits of i87 between us every day. This could get seriously ugly, people. We’re spending the week cleaning, which means his mom and I are killing ourselves scrubbing walls and then I run around wherever he’s been and pick things up. Hey, Miss Shannon, welcome to the rest of our life…. At the end of the day, whether you shack up with them or birth them,you are picking up someone’s dirty socks, girls. It took us over a year to find a place that fit our needs and our budget… Three days of project HOUSE before we were screaming at each other. .When we first saw pictures,I knew it was going to be very, very dirty. Miss Shannon was not wrong. I have spent the last several days putting vinegar and Dawn dish soap on every surface of this place and I have one question…. How do you get a shower rod dirty?? I get the floors, the walls…even the baseboard heating. I used an SOS pad on a toilet today… these people haven’t cleaned anything since like 1990… This is my advice: If you are a piglet wishing to reform, The Works toilet bowl cleaner and Easy Off are your best friends.
Meanwhile, I have spent more time than I want in home improvement stores of late. We successfully purchased light bulbs and cleaning supplies, mostly because Dozer just bows to my superior cleaning knowledge and light bulbs are light bulbs. What we can’t do is buy a floor. This is largely my fault. I’ve been a single mom for 136 years. I know three things about flooring: 1. Kids are going to do bad things to it. 2. Cheap is of paramount importance. 3. I am never, ever qualified to install it,regardless of modality. So, we look at floors and Dozer feels this is a place to spend money, making me need to put my head between my knees. The kind he wants which runs from $5 to $12 a square fucking foot… and we need like three hundred. Mother of all that is good and holy in this world, do the math. Kids are going to spill things, vomit and bleed on that floor. My budget is like 89 cents a square, not five fucking dollars. No thank you, Mr. Dozer. Intellectually, I know he’s right and good flooring increases the value of our home. As an interesting side note, I probably have 4k in dishes and potterythat no one is allowed to use… and tattoos. It’s about balance.
I’m also reminded by hanging out in hardware stores that if there is a penis present, that’s who the staff address. My son needed to use the bathroom at a showroom and asked the salesman. He used his manners because I trained him well. Guy comes back, looks at Dozer and says, “Your son is very polite. Good job.” Kk. I once bought a dishwasher with my former son-in-law present and suddenly, randomly I ceased to exist once that boy walked over. Only he could answer questions and have information. When the building inspector showed up at my house, he addressed all of his questions to Dozer… who knows absolutely nothing about my building, but does have a Y in his chromosomal make up. The patriarchy is alive and well, at least at the hardware store.
Now that Casa Gypsy meets Dozer’s Digs, I imagine it will be an adventure. Remember friends, Dozer is a minimalist and I’m…. not. (Thingamabobs??? I’ve got twenty.) The real issue is that we’ve both been running our own benign dictatorships for so long that it’s proving a bit difficult to transition into a cohesive executive committee. After flooring, the two big arguments are light fixtures for the kitchen and the color of the kitchen. We both agree that the shade of pumpkin vomit that we accidentally painted it isn’t going to work, so we have that going for us. He wants chandeliers, I want industrial,wiry things. I assume at some point we’re going to choose a color and replace the mismatched double ceiling fans. When I expressed the need to smudge the house, he said… “You go with that, baby. Do I have to be involved?” Progress is everything.