Twue Wove

 

marriage

 

Suddenly, everyone I have ever known is getting married.  Weddings are fabulous.  Marriage is bad.  Know the difference, it’s important.  Some marriages are better than others… so I thought I’d give you a few tips from Shannon’s Handbook For Success in order to help you sort out a few of the negative options.

wedding bells

Despite all evidence to the contrary, I have actually been proposed to a few times.  I’ve said yes twice, made it down the aisle once.  I’ve planned several events for others and worn my share of ugly bridesmaid’s dresses.  Kudos to the brides who let you pick your own dress… Remember, you love these women and they should want to be seen in your photos.  Side note… when I went with my girls to try on bridesmaids dresses, I pulled out this godawful lemon yellow, sequined mermaid dress with copious amounts of tulle just to watch them make the deer in the headlights face.

ugly dress

 

In my own, personal experience, if you have to do shots to walk into the church,   maybe don’t do it.  If you keep quietly asking yourself…. WTF am I doing???  Maybe don’t do it.  If you know damn well you will not be driving in the same car to your children’s graduation, just walk away.  Even if the epiphany comes later than you wish, if you are not so sure this is your person that you cannot live without, then don’t marry him, huh?

shots

To be fair to the guy I tied the knot with, one of the better moments of my life was watching him in tears because he thoughts I was so beautiful.  Thanks for that.  He cried every time I had a baby, too.  Our marriage ended, it didn’t fail.  Good ride, Cowboy.

good ride

Next…. A cautionary tale about your friends’ advice.  If your best friend is standing next to you on your wedding day, doing your hair, fluffing your dress and she says, “You can take my car.  I will get rid of these people and make this go away.”  You need to seriously consider your next steps.  When your reason for not taking those keys is because you don’t want to embarrass anyone, run for your life.  This is not going to end well.  Someone who loves you is willing to face down an entire church in order to save your ass from the serious fuck up you are about to embark on.  Ponder that.

Please-Dont-MarryHim

I can’t say I have the slightest idea what makes forever.  I date redneck drunks, bikers, and other unsavory types that you don’t take home to mama.  Word to the wise, these are not the sort of gentleman you pledge your troth to for all eternity.  I am enjoying my misspent middle age, much like I enjoyed my misspent youth.  My insight is in what not to do, girls.  While Miss Shannon is enjoying her time on the back of a Harley, you girls who are looking for forever should seek out a nice accountant or middle manager.  With stability, nice manners and genuine kindness.  He is not going to make your heart go pitter pat…. But…that’s newness.  It goes away.  Forever is something else altogether.

forever

Miss Shannon is not opposed to forever.  There’s just  been too much water under the bridge.    I need to locate a minor tidal wave…

volcanoe

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Home Alone With Kevin

I woke up this morning screaming, “Kevin!!!”  Like the mom from Home Alone that regularly misplaces her child.

home alone mom

 

Kevin is one of my dearest friends.  He grew up with my erstwhile husband and I have known him since we were all young and poor, kickin’ it in a fairly nasty trailer park.  When I first met Kevin, his wife (my very dear friend, The Gypsy Rose Lee)  told him he had to watch his mouth around me.  Because she was quite sure that I was very prissy, I taught Sunday School, and you should never say fuck in my presence.  Hehehe.  I do present well, then you get to know me.

This is Kevin and Tracy on my wedding day….

kevin and tracy wedding day

 

Fast forward…. I have seen this guy go to very great lengths for the people who matter to him.  And often for random strangers that the powers that be put in his path.  One of his main hobbies is competition BBQ…. That is some seriously good shit, let me tell you.  Kevin is the only man on earth that I will take cooking advice from….though I will gladly give a shout out to his two cousins, Jason and Johnny.  Johnny sends me lobster.  Good job, Johnny.

miller bbq

 

Now…mea culpa for missing Kev last night.  But let me remind you that Earth’s population is 7.3 BILLION.  The male component of that 50.4%   So of a little more than 3.5 BILLION men….3 of them on Earth are guys I love, trust and respect.  Most men are kinda failing at life.  It’s not whoever dies with the most toys, most conquests, most whatever your currency is…. I truly believe it’s the number of people who will sincerely mourn your passing.  Life is short, people.  Make it matter.

WOW…men Miss Shannon respects

I’m going to laud men tonight.   Mark it on your calendar.  I usually think most men are lying bastards because…. Well, they’re lying bastards.  This is largely true for me because I really, really like Good Time Charlie with A Harley.  And… you look like bad news, so come sit next to me, Big Boy.

harley davidson

Bonus points for substance problems and mommy issues.  Moving on.

mommy issues

Today, one of the few men I truly love on this Earth called me up and offered me a free pass out of an unpleasant situation.  He warmed the icy corners of my heart.  This evil queen is a princess who never got saved…. Largely because I never call this gentleman when I need saving.  We were kids together.  This man is the biggest redneck I know….right down to the last shotgun shell.  And I love him.  On my list of things I adore about him is the way he reveres his wife.  Heidi, you’re a lucky girl.  This is a guy who will make time to shop for weaponry for me when I get a wild hair and need a pretty pink rifle.  I’m not going to share what he offered, but suffice it to say that this man restored my faith in mankind.  JC…. You have a beautiful soul.  Thanks for letting me see it.

 

JC

 

Next on my list of loved men is AJ…. My husband’s brother. This man parents my children.  He is married to my sister, which is a whole weird Maury Povich situation.  If it breaks, AJ will fix it.  He will talk to my boy children about sex, drugs and rock n roll…. Which is a beautiful quality in a man.  He steps up, every single time.  I often wonder if his brother has any idea what a debt he owes this man, who is raising his children.  The reality is that I cannot teach them to be men….But AJ can and will.  Thank you, my friend

aj and tug

OK, that’s the end of my list…. I think that’s a little sad.  There are two men on this earth that I love and respect. Boys…. Do better.  At least give me a longer list of men I respect.

respect

Koo-koo-ka-choo

So…. Who are these women who are having sex with their kids’ friends??  You guessed it, something happened to make me wonder this.  In this instance, it was a Facebook message from a kid who actually said, but I’ll be twenty one next month.  Swear to god.  I’m not old, by any means, but I could have given birth to this kid.  I have raised a lot of kids…. Why in the holy hell would you want to raise a sexual partner?  Ew. No, thank you.

This is exactly what Holy Hell should really look like:

dean

Miss Shannon has never actually dated a 20 year old boy.  Really.  Even when I was a kid, I was dating grown men.  That wasn’t necessarily good for my future prospects, but it’s the case.  In my world, I bake cookies for twenty year olds rather than sharing my cookie with them.

cookie_with_bite

 

This leads me to wonder what kind of woman is doing this.  Besides Stacy’s mom, who’s got it going on, of course.  I’m not even being judgmental…. But it shocks the hell out of me.  My midlife crisis involves power tools, regular manicures on account of the power tools and a really good cup of coffee.  I’m familiar with the concept of cougars…. Please note, women get a cool name.  Men are just dirty old men.

cougar

 

So…in my illustrious career as girlfriend, wife, whatever… I have yet to locate a gentleman capable of ordering pizza without my direct intervention.  Grown ass adult men who cannot find their socks.  Why, oh, why, would you deliberately choose that?  Here’s to you, Mrs. Robinson.  While you are teaching those little boys how to find your g spot, could you also give them sock finding 1o1 and the Beginners Guide to Ordering Pizza?  Their wives will thank you for it

when they grow up.

gspot

 

 

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Go Big or Go Home

I was recently told a very sad tale about a woman who has been married for twenty years who has never had an orgasm with her husband.  I want his man card, because he doesn’t deserve it. Then I want her woman card.  How the hell do you let this go on for twenty god forsaken years?

man-card

 

We’ve all had bad sex.  It happens.  It’s not even a real crisis, but twenty years?  That’s my oldest child’s entire life span.  (I began having children in the first grade.  We’re not aging on this side of the room.)  So, for twenty years, this woman has been the toilet…. He’s just doing his business on her.  It is NEVER a good thing when Miss Shannon is quoting The Color Purple.

the color purple

I am totally emotionally involved in this.  Girls, we had a sexual revolution in the sixties.  Please, for the love of all that is holy, do NOT start burning your bras.  You matter, too.  Demand a little attention.  I don’t even know what exactly the trouble is…. and I don’t give two shits.  Go forth, young lady, read Fifty Shades of Gray or some other soft porn and develop some ideas.  Hit an Athena party and buy something buzzy.  Or a nice little cream.

athenawhore boots2

Hie yourself to the nearest biker bar… those boys know how to ride.  Or have an honest discussion with your guy…. He probably wants to please you, assuming he’s not an asshat.  Most men are selfish lovers… it’s just part of who they are.  You need to teach them how to please you and why it fucking matters.

harley

A very wise woman said these words to me, “You have the vagina.  That means you have all the power!  Do I have to teach you everything????”  And she is right.  Embrace your inner diva.  All women are beautiful… not all of them know how to make the most of that beauty.  Please know that natural beauty is for rocks and trees.  You are a woman, and the Goddess has given us Este Lauder and Clinique.  Go buy some sexy underwear, a lipstick and some whore boots.  Demand that you receive your due…. And an orgasm is on that list, ladies.

 

You have your shopping list.  Prioritize yourself.  Now, you lady….go forth.  Go big or go home.

 

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