Suddenly, everyone I have ever known is getting married. Weddings are fabulous. Marriage is bad. Know the difference, it’s important. Some marriages are better than others… so I thought I’d give you a few tips from Shannon’s Handbook For Success in order to help you sort out a few of the negative options.
Despite all evidence to the contrary, I have actually been proposed to a few times. I’ve said yes twice, made it down the aisle once. I’ve planned several events for others and worn my share of ugly bridesmaid’s dresses. Kudos to the brides who let you pick your own dress… Remember, you love these women and they should want to be seen in your photos. Side note… when I went with my girls to try on bridesmaids dresses, I pulled out this godawful lemon yellow, sequined mermaid dress with copious amounts of tulle just to watch them make the deer in the headlights face.
In my own, personal experience, if you have to do shots to walk into the church, maybe don’t do it. If you keep quietly asking yourself…. WTF am I doing??? Maybe don’t do it. If you know damn well you will not be driving in the same car to your children’s graduation, just walk away. Even if the epiphany comes later than you wish, if you are not so sure this is your person that you cannot live without, then don’t marry him, huh?
To be fair to the guy I tied the knot with, one of the better moments of my life was watching him in tears because he thoughts I was so beautiful. Thanks for that. He cried every time I had a baby, too. Our marriage ended, it didn’t fail. Good ride, Cowboy.
Next…. A cautionary tale about your friends’ advice. If your best friend is standing next to you on your wedding day, doing your hair, fluffing your dress and she says, “You can take my car. I will get rid of these people and make this go away.” You need to seriously consider your next steps. When your reason for not taking those keys is because you don’t want to embarrass anyone, run for your life. This is not going to end well. Someone who loves you is willing to face down an entire church in order to save your ass from the serious fuck up you are about to embark on. Ponder that.
I can’t say I have the slightest idea what makes forever. I date redneck drunks, bikers, and other unsavory types that you don’t take home to mama. Word to the wise, these are not the sort of gentleman you pledge your troth to for all eternity. I am enjoying my misspent middle age, much like I enjoyed my misspent youth. My insight is in what not to do, girls. While Miss Shannon is enjoying her time on the back of a Harley, you girls who are looking for forever should seek out a nice accountant or middle manager. With stability, nice manners and genuine kindness. He is not going to make your heart go pitter pat…. But…that’s newness. It goes away. Forever is something else altogether.
Miss Shannon is not opposed to forever. There’s just been too much water under the bridge. I need to locate a minor tidal wave…