Oh, No, You Didn’t!!

I consider myself to be an open minded woman.  People share all manner of things with me that I often wish they hadn’t…If you were just diagnosed with some dread disease, caught your husband cheating on you or your house is in foreclosure, something about me will invite you to confide in me.  Especially if we’re at the grocery store, I’m pressed for time and you get bonus points for crying and trapping me at your side.  People will share their sexual proclivities with me and in one memorable case, a young lady shared that cock roaches crawling in her ears had damaged her ear canals.  I can’t make this stuff up.

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As of now, I have officially seen everything twice.  Really.  Please know that Miss Shannon chats with a lot of fellows.  By and large, that really means nothing because it’s mostly just for fun.  FYI…. They only make it to this hallowed page if they are egregious.  Or especially funny.  The star of our show today is a gentleman that I met through friends.  No, Keri, I didn’t meet this one in a bar either.

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He texted me a picture of another woman.  Completely bare ass, buck naked.  Um, yeah.

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He continues to text me.  When asked, he did not feel this was a violation of her privacy.  Ok.  Um, yeah.  It is not the easiest thing in the world to render Miss Shannon speechless.  This did it.  Girls… really be very sure before you let a guy have nude pictures of you.  You never know, that twit could text it to our own Miss Shannon, making her wish she could somehow un-ring that bell.

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Bells at background sky

 

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Open Mouth, Insert Foot

I went grocery shopping with my mother today, always an experience.  Grocery shopping is right next to scrubbing toilets on my list of fun things to do and you never really know how an outing with mom is going to go.  Mom and I agree about two things in this wide world… Pierogis and that her grandchildren are fabulously awesome. Everything else is highly debatable.

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So, we’re driving along and I can only assume there’s been another “what shall we do about Shannon” family meeting, because she wants to talk about boys.  Like, in relationship to me.  Before I know it, we’re having this discussion about what men really want.  Apparently, sleep deprivation is really kicking my ass, because I said, “Ma, men just want to own their pussy.”

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To my sixty-nine year old mother.  She’s had multiple heart attacks, including open heart surgery and recently survived breast cancer.  Go me.  When she was finished choking, she really didn’t have all that much to say.  I changed the subject and the rest of the trip was uneventful.

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It got me to thinking, though.  The problem here is that Miss Shannon is days away from her 39th birthday and continues to be independently owned and operated.  Alert the media.  I’m sure the familial situation will be aggravated by my language usage.  Hell, one of my sisters is still trying to convince her adult daughter that the stork brings babies.   Keep I mind that the initial point of this conversation was that I need to be something other than myself in order to fulfill some patriarchal goal achieved only through marriage.  Miss Shannon has had too much therapy to continue to subscribe to this theory.

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Last weekend, my friends Tracie, Gypsy Rose Lee and I went to karaoke at Frankie C’s…. there were a couple of ladies well into their seventies throwing a few back and singing.  They followed us out for a smoke and proceeded to tell us a tale or two.  They talked about life, love, beer and music…. We just loved them to death, particularly the one who kept saying, “Fuckin bitch.”  All I can say is that I sincerely hope that when I am in my seventies, I am still raising hell, just like them.  It would be a damn shame to give up who I am to satisfy someone else’s definition of happiness.

 

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Breast Cancer Awareness Stickers | by teamstickergiant Breast

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Shake the Sugar Tree

Miss Shannon has had a very weird week.  As ever, I am making lemonade with my lemons…. I really kind of hate that saying…If I have to have lemons, I want it in vodka, not lemonade.  A little precision, please.  Meanwhile, back at the ranch…. I talked to a married friend of mine, who always thinks I have this exciting life… Largely because I date and tell humorous stories about it.  The reality of dating when you are a woman looking at forty (how’d that happen again??) is that what I’m really doing Is letting a guy blow smoke up my ass before he tries to get me in his bed.  In one memorable instance, the gentleman in question was literally chasing me around a pool table.  Not cool, dude.  Anyway, this is Keri and her fabulous husband, Jay…. A couple of the people that make me believe in the fairy tale.

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Soooo…When last I saw Keri, who does my hair at the Village Edge Salon in Stillwater, NY (shameless plug) I had a hot date.  Being Keri, her hope was that I would find endless love… or failing that, a guy who would not throw things.  I’ve known Kerri a long time.  She gets me.  So, she wanted to know how that all turned out.  As ever, there’s a hole in the dam somewhere and his was that he recreationally swallows cocaine.  I didn’t even know that was a thing.  So, I took my passel of brats, and said, Self:  this is a bad decision.

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Amen, brothers and sisters.

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Moving on, I think women should sparkle.  I will not force you to sparkle…. But you have a choice.  You can either sparkle or not.  Why in the holy hell would you ever choose not to sparkle???    I look at people like Keri and Jay and think… He sees her sparkle, he reveres it and has spent a lifetime uplifting it.  I see beauty in that.  I also see the beauty in my hair.  Thanks, Keri.

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Let’s talk about ways to sparkle… Like my pal, Keri.  I usually achieve this through body glitter and eyeshadow.  Special effects, you know.  Or you could let your light shine… I’m talking about the warm, fuzzy spot that still lives in your soul.  The one that doesn’t care about your cellulite, your somebody done somebody wrong songs, that part of you that isn’t jaded.  Dig deep, girls.  Shake the sugar tree.

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Cosmetics = Fake??

I blame my juvenile male friends of Facebook for this offering.  Apparently, if a woman wears make up, colors her hair or enhances her natural beauty in any way, this makes her “fake.”  In my not so humble opinion, it makes us women.  Do you really want us to roll out of bed farting and scratching our nether regions like you do???

DCF 1.0
DCF 1.0

Personally, if Jesus Christ came to my door and I was not wearing makeup, I would not answer the door.  This isn’t about falsehoods…. It’s about the image I want to present to the world.  It includes eyeliner, people.  And if your hair doesn’t look good, neither do you.  Like the average woman, I probably have upwards of two hundred products in my bathroom available for image enhancement.  I don’t see a damn thing wrong with that.  You have to decide, boys…. Most women wear makeup.  This is largely due to the unreasonable standards set by the media.

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Natural beauty is for rocks and trees.  Once again, all women are beautiful.  There is something enchanting about each and every one of us.  This is true whether or not a woman chooses to use cosmetics.  I suppose my bra is next on the list… how dare I want one that pulls the girls up to their original location?  I should probably just let ’em flop, after breast feeding for like eight total years, because I don’t want to be fake.

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Screw that, I’ll continue to groom myself in whatever manner floats my boat.  Newsflash…. That is not about boys.  It’s about how I feel when I look in the mirror.  I like how I look wearing makeup and I do not like how I look without it.  That’s my prerogative, by the way.

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Make no mistake, I don’t want a guy to have as many beauty products as me.  I want to be the girl. I also don’t want to be penalized because I’m the girl.  This line of thinking is right in line with the slut shaming that I’ve been mentioning.  Because, you know, if I dress nicely and a man then looks at me, it’s because I’m a fuckin’ whore.  According to the gentlemen who inspired this post, I’m a fake fucking whore… which is what you are saying when you demand that women adhere to your standards rather than their own.

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Mythical Beasts

Interactions can be lots of things. .. Pleasant, unpleasant, downright horrifying.   It’s been an edifying week with a lot of descriptive words.  Here’s the highlights reel…

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Breeder was pretty entertaining.  That’s what my loved one who plays for the other team likes to call me.   Accurate, too.  My personal favorite was being told that I’m a classy lady.   Stop laughing.   Not all my taste is in my mouth.  And a man said it.  Miss Shannon does not lie to you.

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The lowlights are a little different.   I enjoyed one “fuckin’ whore” from a lovely gentleman who I wisely don’t wish to date.  A man I know to be a pedophile, who knows I have this information, felt a strange compulsion to drop me a line.  Another fine specimen of manhood told me he’s a cop (that’s 3 strikes right there) and asked if he could cuff me… you should seriously offer me coffee before you offer bondage.  I’m not saying I wouldn’t do it, but you should know the zip code of an individual who you are allowing to place police issue hand cuffs on your person.

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Last but certainly not least, I give you the fanny fluffer.  Which is apparently a thing.  A very foul thing.  Being me, I needed to ask what that was, because there’s a sexual activity I’ve not heard of and that’s just unacceptable.  So is the activity, of course, because I never heard of it before.  Which is pretty much unheard of.  Suffice it to say that I sincerely hope this man finds someone who shares his potty issues.  People get their rocks off with the weirdest shit… in this instance quite literally.

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I like to joke about dating criminals.  If you look like bad news, come sit next to me.  Most women need to be wanted, and I am no exception.  At the end of the day, I personally, am looking for a guy who does not have mommy issues and thinks I’m the best thing since sliced bread.  Gainful employment is definite plus, as is a basic willingness to fix crap that I don’t wanna in my house.  Add in faithfulness, doesn’t hit girls and isn’t going to call me a whore….. Miss Shannon will have found her unicorn.   If this mythical beast does not present himself,  I’m going to be just fine.   If I have learned anything at all, it’s that it’s better to be happy by  yourself then to be in a relationship so you have a warm body next to you at night.

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Read the First Amendment

I ended up chatting with two amazing women tonight about the same topic.  Creation myths, often referred to as religion, by the way.  I absolutely adore both of these women.  One is my mother, the other is an old friend from high school.   Both happen to be taking a mythology class.  I took a similar class about ten years ago.  My girlfriend is one of the more crunchy, granola people I know.  My mom is the Jesus saves type.  I’m still all about whore boots and really good coffee.

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With my girlfriend…. The conversation turned to mythical beasts, witchcraft and the universe at large.  Same generation.  With my mother, it turned to a conversation about religious tolerance.  Now, I love my mom and I assume she likes me, too.  But we could not be farther apart on religious and political views if we were actually working on it as goal.  However, we all agree that no one should make me release the flying monkeys.

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Every civilization since the dawn of time has created a myth about where mankind originated.  That’s why it’s called a creation myth.  Me?  I’m glad I was born a hairless monkey that could form words.  Truth is, we don’t really know if there was divine intervention guiding humanity.  Science strongly suggests evolution as the accurate answer.  I really have no concerns regarding what your creation myth is….If having a mother or father or a flying spaghetti monster in the sky gives you peace and comfort, then you go with your bad self.   There is, in fact, a church of the flying spaghetti monster.  Really.  http://www.venganza.org/   It’s the hate that bothers me…. America is not a Christian nation.  It was built on the very premise that religious freedom is important enough to leave your homeland and start fresh elsewhere.  Remember the pilgrims??

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ISIS…the Islamic terrorist group is not a religion.  It does NOT represent Islam, a fairly peaceful religion.  I really don’t give two shits if a woman thinks her salvation comes from hiding her face and hair.  Rock on sister.  I imagine it takes you less time than me to pick out your clothes.  I would hate every second of it.  So…being an American, I choose differently.  Despite current evils in the world, Isis is a beautiful, amazing Egyptian Goddess who is primarily concerned with women. I like her already.  She was a healer, a mother and a teacher.  Isis was the epitome of womanhood.  I am ill that her name has been assigned to a terrorist group of fanatics.  This is a depiction of Isis.

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Let’s talk about the Ku Klux Klan…. Murdering minorities in the name of the Lord and Aryan pride.  How about the IRA….  Now, I love Ireland to my very soul… but Catholic bombs are no more ordained by God than my toaster.  How about the Lord’s Resistance Army in the Sudan?  They force young boys into war and sell little girls into sexual slavery with the ultimate goal of a religious state based on the Ten Commandments.  The Antibalaka are a Christian terrorist group in Central Africa, working on ethnically “cleansing” the Muslims.  That’s just a handful of Christian Terrorist groups.  Does any of this sound like the God you worship on Sunday morning?  Yeah, I didn’t think so.  For the general populace, we like niceness.  So…. The New Testament kinda works for you, because it’s all about peace and loving your neighbor.  Jesus sounds like he was a pretty cool guy and I suspect that none of the charming groups mentioned previously are quite expressing his divine vision.  Probably Mohammad was a cool guy, too.  Maybe his divine vision differs from ISIS, hmm?

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It makes me ashamed…. But the reason America is so shocked by ISIS, terrorist group, is because they hate you partly because you are white.  We don’t think of ourselves in that way…. We are the great white hope…. Good, Christian pillars of society who are here to alleviate your suffering.  Humanity should be falling to their knees with gratitude.  This is partly because in America, religion isn’t a reason for war.  In every other part of the world, religion is the only reason to go to war.  Put away your middle class values because that is not where these people are coming from.  Don’t forget…. We want them to conform.  We want them to embrace our values, to become like us….because it’s better to be an American than pretty much anything else.  Do you feel like an asshole yet?  If you don’t,  watch that YouTube video linked below, that’ll take care of it for ya.  And yes, I believe racism and religious persecution are linked.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ktGSct-_HH4

 

Please know…. I am proud to be an American.  No one is going to come for me tonight when I say that I believe in a woman’s right to choose, or my right to bear arms or that I don’t believe in God.  Freedom must be freedom for all….not just what works for you.  It irritates me to no end to listen to people yapping about bringing prayer back to school…. Who decides which prayer to indoctrinate the children with?  Oh…you want the Lord’s Prayer.  But what about the Jewish kids, the Muslim kids and the Sikh kids?  You only know whether your faith is the One True Faith when you are dead, and I have news for you…. You aren’t getting a return trip to tell us about it.

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