Don’t ask me why

Last week my son dumped about a half a gallon of paint in the hall closet.  The best way to clean that up is with a ripped up cereal box used as a scoop, FYI.  My fridge is freezing fruit, so I probably need a new one.  I had to barter with my oldest son for the use of my stereo.  My ex-husband is refusing to pay child support for reasons best known to himself.   Guess what, kids???  My life is still fantabulous.  That’s a word because I said so.   My 9yo is dancing in his sister’s wedges… I know Dozer would have a shit fit if he were here.  Tugs is also trying to teach me fight blocks in the wedge.  Shine on, my beautiful boy.  At Casa Gypsy, the Situation’s Normal, All Fucked Up.

Ever want something so bad you can actually taste it??  Miss Shannon has a business opportunity right now that is just shy of impossible.  I’m reminding myself that nothing is impossible in this wide world…. Let’s cliché for a hot second… Mind over matter, if there’s a will there’s a way, if you can think it, you can do it.   Please send me any extra faith, trust and pixie dust you have on hand.   I could really use it, just about now.  My sister says, “Start ticking.”   Which means, scratch your brain and make it happen.   I’m going to do my damnedest to make this work.  I’m scared of this step, so I’m going to do it afraid, and I will either succeed or fail.   Every hand’s a winner and every hand’s a loser… It’s not just the luck of the draw, it’s about what you’re willing to sacrifice and how well you wear your game face.

When I opened the daycare nine years ago, I was shaking in my boots.  Lots of things in life are just a gamble.   Lately, I’ve really felt like I’m out of aces… but I’m currently trying to open my heart and mind to more spirituality so I’m presently telling myself that The Powers That Be (Whatever you call that; Spirit, Gaia, Jesus or Allah… I rather suspect they are one and the same.)  Anyway… that entity closes doors, opens others and sometimes leaves nothing but a fox hole to crawl out of.  Miss Shannon can army crawl with the best, she has already been through several layers of hell and surely, it’s gotta be up from here.  Ha!  Don’t kid yourself, it can always be worse, just like it can always be better.   The trick is just to roll with the punches… and shoot for better.  Better is…well, better.

Now, as ever, if I want something done, I do it myself.    For whatever reason, the song I’m channeling is Billy Joel’s Don’t Ask Me Why.  Don’t ask for favors, don’t talk to strangers, don’t ask me why.  I kind of know why… I’m about to take a leap of faith in myself, without any real assurance about having a soft place to fall.   Newsflash… there isn’t really a soft place to fall when you’re a single mom entirely dependent on yourself.  If I fuck this up, there will be hell to pay at a level I can’t afford.  That’s why I’m going to do it afraid. I’m not waiting for answers, I’ll take my chances…don’t ask me why.  Don’t ask me why.