I was recently told a very sad tale about a woman who has been married for twenty years who has never had an orgasm with her husband. I want his man card, because he doesn’t deserve it. Then I want her woman card. How the hell do you let this go on for twenty god forsaken years?
We’ve all had bad sex. It happens. It’s not even a real crisis, but twenty years? That’s my oldest child’s entire life span. (I began having children in the first grade. We’re not aging on this side of the room.) So, for twenty years, this woman has been the toilet…. He’s just doing his business on her. It is NEVER a good thing when Miss Shannon is quoting The Color Purple.
I am totally emotionally involved in this. Girls, we had a sexual revolution in the sixties. Please, for the love of all that is holy, do NOT start burning your bras. You matter, too. Demand a little attention. I don’t even know what exactly the trouble is…. and I don’t give two shits. Go forth, young lady, read Fifty Shades of Gray or some other soft porn and develop some ideas. Hit an Athena party and buy something buzzy. Or a nice little cream.
Hie yourself to the nearest biker bar… those boys know how to ride. Or have an honest discussion with your guy…. He probably wants to please you, assuming he’s not an asshat. Most men are selfish lovers… it’s just part of who they are. You need to teach them how to please you and why it fucking matters.
A very wise woman said these words to me, “You have the vagina. That means you have all the power! Do I have to teach you everything????” And she is right. Embrace your inner diva. All women are beautiful… not all of them know how to make the most of that beauty. Please know that natural beauty is for rocks and trees. You are a woman, and the Goddess has given us Este Lauder and Clinique. Go buy some sexy underwear, a lipstick and some whore boots. Demand that you receive your due…. And an orgasm is on that list, ladies.
You have your shopping list. Prioritize yourself. Now, you lady….go forth. Go big or go home.